Change

Baby steps...that should be the beginning of any change and at this time of life (and shape that I am in) that is all that I can do. I think in the past I have gone about things all wrong and at 39 change is hard. I've always been the type of person who is all in or not in at all when it comes to dieting  healthy living. Note that I have only been successful once in losing weight and I was all in...never skipped the gym, only ate when hungry, kept moving and was totally focused on looking good and feeling better about myself. I lost 105 lbs. that go round and then life happened...I lost a friend, my gym closed, housing market crashed the same time we decided we owned a money pit, gained a couple pounds and the I reverted back to my old self who medicated herself with food and enjoyed every minute of it.

I say that I enjoyed every minute of my self-medication but that is not entirely true...I did not enjoy waking up in the morning and realizing my new pants that I worked so hard to get into did not fit any more. I did not enjoy walking on the side of the road and a car full of college guys yelling obscenities at me about the size of my ever growing ass. I also did not particularly like going to work, seeing people who knew of my weight loss success and feeling like a failure after a year of "good job".

But now at 39 I care less about how I look (don't get me wrong, I still want to wear some cute non-elastic waisted pants) but more about how I FEEL. Right now I do not feel good physically or mentally.  My knees are weak (it's not just the title of my blog), I have runner's knee and my back hurts. And last night an old friend, Acid Reflux, came to visit me and to remind me of another reason I don't feel good. He went away when I lost weight a couple years ago but he came back last night with a vengeance.

Not sure why but acid reflux did something for me that buying larger clothes did not...it jolted me right up out of bed (literally) with the realization that something has got to change. And that change is ME!